Coherent Ramblings I think?

Weird feeling in the city tonight. It’s almost as if I don’t belong here. I got on the bus downtown at Powell . The sun was setting and it was a bit breezy. Drive down about ten stops on the 38L and all of a sudden the weather is overcast and drizzly. It kind of feels like late fall according to New England Standards. Also, I have missed the past 4 consecutive Fall seasons at home. It’s kind of sad since Autumn is my favorite season.

This feeling I have, I don’t know if it’s good or bad. I have always been one to shake things off and play everything as no big deal. It’s kind of crazy when you pick up from home and literally leave with less than a days notice. Leaving all my family and friends behind. Don’t get me wrong, I love San Francisco. Ever since I left California, I have wanted to come back here. It’s been about three weeks and I don’t necessarily miss home, I just miss the thought of it and my family.They have been very supportive throughout all these recent ambitions(My Mom and Dad, Aunt Stell and Uncle Dick, and my Grandma) and I can do nothing but thank them for everything. I never realize that I think too much about what I want vs. what my parents might want and their feelings. It has been about me for awhile. They’ve given me everything and continue to while I start a career or whatever this is here.

I have done nothing for the past 1.25 years since graduation. I have held some bullshit positions but nothing of substance. I like to think I’m worth more than $11 an hour but apparently not. Every single position in the city that I apply for says they are going to pay me far more, and then low ball me afterwards.

Every time I start a new job, I have job anxiety. Within the first two hours of my first day I can’t help but think, “This really fucking sucks, I want to quit.” I don’t want to give up my independence of doing whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want. But you need money to do that, what a bitch of a catch 22. I will stick with this new job though until I have another conformed position. I have to because if I don't I will be moving back home again. Also, this job is not strait commission, so I am getting paid for being there which is nice. I have some serious issues.